It has been a very long time since I wrote an article in English. It was almost one year back ,when I was training at PDO company. so trying to wake up back and write without mistakes is a bit difficult .
I can't find any excuse in order to forgive myself for such carelessness.
Days are passing very fast and I can't believe it that Iam going to complete one year of being jobless after less than one week!!!
Oh my god, one year means 365 days, 365 days passed from my life and I feel like I did nothing except gaining more of bad habits and attitudes..
At my last days of training at PDO I thought that staying at home for few months will be a very good chance for relaxation and rearranging things , however everything went opposite my plan. I couldn’t stand it staying at home doing nothing except cooking, cleaning and working as a teacher for my little sisters.
I have been shocked by the new situation and keep on complaining from the boredom and emptiness. I felt like iam losing every good features I had before..
Being a jobless for almost one year and Staying in a place like ibra witch suffers from a shortage in all kind of entertainments definitely will cause you depression .
Can u Imagine doing the same things by the same way and the same manner daily for one year !!
For some time I enjoyed playing the role of an optimistic person and convincing myself that everything will be fine , I spent most of my time reading and dreaming with my novels heroes ,and editing and replacing some events with others from my imagination. Reading was and still the only thing which helps me to believe that iam still breathing therefore alive!!
In this year , I have discovered how pessimistic lady iam and I did nothing to change this bad attitude , however things becoming more worse..
I feel like I lost my memory , can't focus or be attentive to anything around me , that’s why I keep on failing at my driving trial .. not only that, but also I have been very moody and sensitive .. have no patience at all to listen or even to talk to any one . the only friends to me are my books..
It has been very rarely you see me in a good mood or a clear mind ,and even in this golden moments I kept on blaming myself about past days of sadness , regret that I didn't exploit it in a good way and so on until I went back to my depression ..
Today after one year of being depressed ,sad,bored,fed up iam still not sure about what to do to get rid of all of these ..
My mood is changing every each minutes and for no reasons most of time .
Iam losing myself, iam losing that optimistic ,ambitious and active lady . the lady who was an adviser to all of her friends when they are in trouble , a lady with a will which can never be broken, a lady who always know s how to follow her dreams and manage her desires … iam losing all of that now.
I fed up from advices , It is all repeated speech with meaningless to me. I have been passed this stage since long time . it won't add anything new to me ..
I have stopped blaming myself , because blaming does nothing , it won't improve the situation , so better to sit down and act as a spectator…
That’s all what I have , I even cant hope that tomorrow will be better because hope itself is a stressful wish which I can't bear.
